Hold On Tight, Spidermonkey

Okay....if you know what my title means...we have to talk! :-)
















I'm having a Carrie Bradshaw moment...I remember there was an episode of SATC where she talks about the 3 big things you're always looking for...
-The perfect man
-The perfect apartment
-The perfect job

At that point, Carrie had the perfect job and apartment - but was missing the man. She talks about "when we have 2 out of the 3, it should be a great thing - but why do we let the one thing we don't have bring us down even though we have the other two?" That's a bit how I am feeling currently. I definitely have the perfect guy for me in my life and couldn't be happier in that respect. I am also truly lucky because me and my guy are looking for and going to buy a house together. It is a process but it is so much fun and so exciting for us and our future. So here I am with two amazing things in my life - yet the one thing that I don't have - a decent job - seems to be bringing me down. This has been a constant struggle for me for the past 3 years, pretty much. My current job has been a disaster. Nothing about it has been what I thought it would be. It was actually a step backwards for me from my previous job - I didn't think that was possible. Because of certain people around me and what they think I'm capable of and the potential I lack - it has lead me to start to believe some of those things. It is hard not to start to believe things when they are presented to you day after day - hard to not let those negative things seep in. I wish I had my college-self back. My mind was so much more clear about what I could do if I set my mind to it. I did SO MUCH in college - so much of what I set out to do and what people didn't think I would be able to do. But, I did it - and things just kept falling into place for me. My career was one of the biggest motivators for me and through that it became so much of my identity. It was a part of who I was and I clung to it. I had so much passion for what I was doing - it was always such a rush for me. I would sit back and look at all I have done and all I wanted to do, and I would be so proud of myself. It lasted for a little bit after I graduated college - but definitely completely disappeared when I left my last job working at the Hennepin Theatre District. That was where I wanted to be, I just wasn't in the position I wanted to be in. And, I wasn't going to make any more money there or move up in the near future - so I left. Among other reasons - I also left because I wasn't being treated the way I thought I should be - definitely lacking in respect from authorities. On the contrary, I had/have so many amazing friends there. People that I am still in contact with and who definitely care about my happiness in the work place. It is so hard when the head people ruin things for you and don't see the potential and passion that people have. But, you can't control other people - trust me, I've tried - and sometimes you just need to move on. So I moved on. Moved on to a job that I thought would help me develop my skills more and give me room to succeed. Boy, was I mistakened. I know that I could ramble on and on about this - and probably have to most people reading this - but it comes down to the fact that my job shouldn't even exsist. There is not enough work or responsibility for this position and it is a waste of time and money. It doesn't quite make you feel too good when you know that you aren't really needed. And there isn't as much purpose for your job or your time doing any work. I'll try to wrap this up, because the "poor me" get's old. Like I've told my sister, at this point, sometimes I feel a little guilty that I have a job yet I'm looking for a new one since there are SO many people who have gotten laid off and are looking for work. I understand the situation and I completely sympathize. I FULLY know that I am extremely lucky to have my job and have insurance and the whole nine. but at the same time, I think-I KNOW- I deserve job happiness. I know that not a whole lot of people love their job - I get that - but I would just like to go to work and not get a stomach ache or feel anxious about what will go wrong or who will be upset and unfairly let it out on everyone around them. I don't have to LOVE my job (at least for now), I just really want it to be bareable and for me to walk away knowing that whatever I was doing was making a difference, even in the smallest way. And I want to be surrounded by people who have a bigger sense of the world and of life. People that enjoy my sarcastic humor and inappropriate jokes. I'm just looking for people with a little perspective. That is so lacking these days - and I am constantly in need of it. Perspective is my word of 2009. So often we need it to pull us back to reality. In my reality, I'm looking for a satisfying job or more fulfilling way to spend 40 hours a week - if you know of anything.... ;-)
So there is my job/work shpeal.
I know I have to practice what I preach and put things into perspective of how lucky I am to have a job, but more importantly that I have people around me that love me and care for me and are there for me when I need them. In the end, that's all that really matters.

Sunshine and Lollypops,

noelle m.